It is estimated that for every one person who commits suicide, at least six others are immediately affected by their decision. They could be family, friends, or co-workers, and all are left to cope with the terrible loss of someone they cared about. Survivors of suicide are those people who are left behind when someone chooses to take their own life, and are left to deal with the grief and loss of someone important in their lives. Each year’s suicides bring about an estimated 186,000 new survivors.

Survivors of suicide are often left behind with feelings of guilt about not having done something more to prevent their loved one from taking their own life. If only they had talked to the person more or gotten them some other means of help, that maybe that person would still be here. Grief is a natural process that will take its course over time. There are six steps to the grieving process, and every person will deal with those steps and reach those steps at their own pace. They are:

1. Shock and denial-your first reaction may be to deny your loss or to feel emotionally numb.
2. Anger-your loss may seem unfair. You may feel angry with yourself for not preventing the loss. But you can work through your anger
3. Guilt-it’s not unusual to blame yourself for something you feel you did or did not do prior to someone’s suicide. Remember, though that you are human, and that there are events you cannot control or undo.
4. Depression-you may feel drained and unable to perform even routine tasks.
5. Loneliness-increased responsibilities and changes in your life can make you feel lonely and afraid. And finally
6. Hope-you will reach a stage where you can focus on the future.

Living with the loss of a loved one will require emotional support from family and friends. Survivors of suicide often develop severe bouts of depression after the loss occurs. It may also require the help of a mental health care provider. Contact your community mental health care center if you’re suffering from depression. Some ways of taking care of your emotional needs are to:

1. Express your feelings-keeping painful feelings inside will only create more problems and cause the healing process to take longer
2. Accept help-friends and relatives can make difficult moments easier. Joining a support group can help ease the pain.
3. Ask for help-relatives and friends want to help but often don’t know what to do. Professional help is available if feelings of despair and worthlessness persist.
4. Be kind to yourself-avoid making any major decisions until you recover. Some days will be harder than others, just take one day at a time.
5. Get plenty of rest-you’ll have more energy to handle problems and get involved in activities.
6. Stay healthy-eat a variety of foods and exercise regularly, avoid alcohol, tranquilizers, and other potentially harmful substances.
7. Be alert for problems-headaches, nausea, dizziness, heartburn, shortness of breath, weight loss, difficulty sleeping, and lack of energy.

While you are in the grieving process, remember that others are probably grieving with you. Seek these people out and talk about your feelings. Part of the healing process is having other people listen to you talk about your grief, you listening to them talk about their own grief will help them as well. Here are some more tips for survivors:

• Know you can survive
• Struggle with “why” it happened until you no longer need to know “why” or until you are satisfied with partial answers.
• You may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings, but all your feelings are normal.
• Don’t be afraid to cry, tears are healing.
• Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, you are in mourning.
• Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at yourself. It’s okay to express it.
• Having suicidal thoughts is common, it doesn’t mean you will act on them.
• The choice was not your’s, no one is the sole influence in another’s life.
• Expect setbacks. If emotions return, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief.
• Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
• The willingness to laugh at yourself and with others is healing
• An end to grief does not mean an end to caring.

TIPS FOR HELPING SURVIVORS HEAL
A suicide is similar to a rock thrown into a pond. The suicide is the rock making contact with the water, starting the ripple effect. The first ripple is family and friends directly affected by the suicide, the second ripple are friends and supporters of the family and friends directly affected. With every ripple that is further away from the rock hitting the pond, the grieving process will become shorter or almost non-existant to this group of people. For those people close to the survivors, now is the time to be supportive and allow the survivors to work through the grieving process at their own pace. Sometimes many people don’t know how to help. Here are a few tips on helping a survivor:

• Accept the intensity of the grief-survivors will never “get over it”, and may have very explosive emotions such as guilt and shame.
• Listen with your heart-be an active listener, break the silence and get the survivor to talk, don’t worry about what to say they’ll probably just need you to listen. Retelling the story about the death may be part of the healing process as well, listen to the story every time it’s told.
• Avoid simplistic explanations and cliches-“time will heal all wounds”, “think what you have to be greatful for”, and “you have to be strong for others” will probably only prolong the grieving time needed. Don’t say anything like “out of his or her mind”, or “crazy or insane” about the person who committed suicide.
• Be compassionate-give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism, and don’t say, “I know how you feel”.
• Respect the need to grieve-suicide still has a very negative undertone about it. People still feel ashamed when a friend or love one takes their own life. Let the survivors know you don’t judge and only want to help them, but know that you may need to back off.
• Understand the uniqueness of suicide grief-be patient, don’t criticize what may look like inappropriate behavior.
• Be aware of holidays and anniversaries-these times may be especially difficult for survivors
• Work together as helpers-work with other supporters to let the survivor know he or she has support from caring people.
• Be aware of support groups-while talking to you may be a great relief, support groups with peers or professionals may be a needed outlet as well. Here are a few in Kentucky: