My parents didn’t get along. My mom went to bars with her friends, leaving me with my dad. My dad waited until we were alone to be emotionally abusive to me. I have an older sister, who spent as much time away from home as possible. I was always home being put in the middle of my parents problems. When I begged my mom not to leave, she went anyway. I had been too afraid to tell any one how I was being treated at home. My dad was abusive for years and no one knew. I felt scared and alone. I would go to my room crying telling God I couldn’t take any more, that I wanted to die. I started having headaches and back pain when I was 12 years old.

I went to the doctor and he did all the tests he could think of, and couldn’t find anything wrong. I went to more doctors and they didn’t find anything wrong. With out a medical explanation my parents accused me of faking it. My doctor then told me and my mom that he thought I needed to see a psychiatrist, and he made an appointment for me. I refused to go; I cussed and yelled “that’s for crazy people. I’m not crazy, there’s nothing wrong with me!” I finally agreed to go because I wanted to prove that there’s something wrong with my parents, not me. For the first time I told what my parents were doing. After my appointment I never had pain like that again.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. When the doctor asked a question, I looked at my mom waiting for her to answer him. He said he didn’t want to talk to my mom, that he wanted to talk to me.

He told me to look at him when I talked. I was shocked that he wanted to talk to me. I was used to adults talking about me like I wasn’t in the room. I didn’t like the medicine prescribed to me. I didn’t like feeling like there was something wrong with me. When friends found out, they said they were not allowed to talk to me.

My parents couldn’t figure out how it happened to me, because they’re not like that. My parents took me to have therapy, but would only do one session with me. My parents divorced shortly after my 13th birthday, and I had to choose who to live with. They refused to speak to each other until after I was an adult.

When I talked to my therapist, I felt like he didn’t believe me. I was angry that I was telling the truth, and no one cared. I was hospitalized off and on from twelve years old. My first year of high school, I was put in the hospital for a month. Every time I returned to school from being at the hospital, students were rude to me. I didn’t make friends. The school charged me with truancy. They said they would drop the charges if I went to the alternative school. I didn’t feel I had any choice but to go.

I went there for the rest of school. We did worksheets and copied stuff out of old books. I made copies, filed papers, and answered the phone. The highest grade I could make was a “C”. Most of the kids had behavior problems. There were no doors on the rooms. There were five teachers for about fifty students.

There were two teachers at this school that helped me. They let me take a walk when I needed to, sent me get well cards when I was in the hospital and listened to me when I was having a hard time. I thought they were teachers; it turns out that at least two of them were instructors.

I received services through KY Impact. I attended youth groups that helped me make some friends and learn life skills. I also had a big buddy type person that did things with me. The services I received helped me a lot. Without them I wouldn’t have had support. After I was out of the KY Impact program I joined Kentucky Partnership for Families and Children’s statewide Youth Council. Their goal is to help reduce the stigma of mental illness. It was different than the other groups I had been to. Now I had the chance to share my experiences to help others.

I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety around the same time that I joined the group. Having social anxiety has made it hard to talk to people. Many times I couldn’t get myself outside. I decided to face my fears head on. I went to the Youth Council meetings, and participated in all the things the group was doing. I was helping myself as much as I was helping others. I learned even more about advocating for my self and others. I wrote a letter to the Board of Education to share my story about my experiences in the alternative school. I didn’t want anyone else to be treated the way I was. I want them to get an education.

When my nephew started having trouble in school, I felt like I had to help. I helped my sister gather and read through information on disabilities and Individualized Education Plans (IEP‘s). I went to the meetings to try and get an IEP for him, and then went to the IEP meetings. I found out how hard these meetings can be. It was stressful trying to come to an agreement on services he needed.

I’ve told my story a lot over the years. I have shared my story at conferences for parents and professionals. The difference in telling my story now is, I’m telling it without anger and without wanting revenge. It took a few years to realize that the anger and resentment that I had towards my parents was hurting me, not them. Anger hurts the person it is in. Letting the anger go lifted such weight off my shoulders that it felt like I just started breathing.

My parents deny what happened, so I will never hear them say they’re sorry or that they were wrong. I had to move on with my life regardless of what my parents were doing or had done. For a long time I thought that I needed to hear how sorry they were to have peace in me. The changing point for me was when I realized that my parents were not going to change. Changing my way of thinking turned my life around for the better. It helps me to know that all I’ve made it through wasn’t for nothing, that I can help others with my experiences.

When I aged out of the youth council, Kentucky Partnership for Families and Children hired me part time to be the Assistant Youth Council Coordinator. I get to work with the statewide Youth Council and work on the Youth to Youth newsletter. When I’m asked to do new tasks for my job, I always try them even if I’m scared I won’t do very well. I do it because they treat me like my disabilities are my abilities, and that inspires me to try.